Friday, November 10, 2000

Sometimes someone hurts you in a way you don't know how to respond to. In a way you don't know how to deal with. And usually, at those times, there's something that person could do that would make everything okay. Sometimes even a couple of things.
What's tragic is that if you told the person what those things were... then they wouldn't be true anymore. What could have been solved with a phone call or a visit or a certain phrase, can't be fixed the same way anymore, once you've had to spell out to the person exactly what you need them to do. Because that's part of what's necessary... for them to feel what you feel. To care like you care. To want it enough to think of it, without needing to be told. Being told ruins it, diminishes it, turns it into something done simply to appease, instead of something done out of need and even desperation.

Thursday, November 09, 2000

I've gotten to spend the afternoon kicking off the redesign of my website. I could pretty this page up, but I don't feel like it. If you really want to see a design by yours truly, go to my real website. This is just a place for me to vent away from the constant scrutiny of friends who depend on my quotes and picture pages for entertainment.

I have a lot of time on my hands now that we're "on a break." Being on a break sucks. The whole idea of a "break" sucks. It's like a break up except you don't even get to be bitter about it, and just when you start to accept things you're obligated to walk back into your mess and try to make some sense out of it.

And it wasn't initially a break, just not really spending time together so we got a chance to think about the things we talked about yesterday... since lately we can't be together without fighting. I was supposed to get some e-mail from him. I had two tests he said he was going to e-mail me good luck on. And I sent him something that deserved a reply.
Haven't heard from him since yesterday though.

I feel very... abandoned.

Hopeless.

And here I thought we were finally getting somewhere.

"I don't know and I don't care if I ever will see you again..." Oh wait. That's a lie.

Monday, November 06, 2000

I've noticed I cry way too easily when people get mad at me.

Prepare for system shut down.

Sunday, November 05, 2000

Why is everything so damn frustrating right now? I want to stay up all night even though I know I'll feel like shit, just so I can get done all the things I need to get done. Not that I could even finish all of it in one night. Isn't there always something else that needs doing? You could spend a week, not sleeping, not eating, just doing "all the things that need to be done," and you still couldn't. There's always something. I can't live that way. I can't just keep doing and doing and doing, and never stopping, and never relaxing, and never getting a chance to do any of the things I just want to do.
Everything's just sort of closing in on me. I'm beginning to doubt I can make it through this semester, anymore. I'm not sure a 2.6 is an achievable goal. And that's sad in and of itself, really. I have no money. I hate mooching off my dad all the time, but I don't have many other options. I don't have enough time to pass my classes as it is; a job is not something I can afford.
And for some reason, today, I feel like my relationship is falling apart. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong. It would hurt him a lot, if I was right. And maybe me too, but I feel that way anyway. We fight. Over stupid things. We frustrate the hell out of each other. He makes decisions based purely on "the principle of the thing," even if there's no reason to do so. The way he used to decide he "wanted" to spend the night apart, not because he was tired of me, but because he thought we'd been together for longer than the time he thought was normal. Although fortunately, he doesn't do that anymore, but things of that nature. And then I frustrate him because I refuse to accept just some principle, with no facts to back it up. Certainly not when all the facts point the other way.
He's one of those people who is constantly trying to get done all the things that "need" to get done... I've accepted that this won't happen. I want to just say "screw it," and go off and do something else, and come back to it later. He doesn't want to waste time that way. There's too much to do. And in a way, that's true.
The thing is, really, it seems like we make each other sad more than happy anymore. Or maybe it's just me. Or maybe it's just a mood I got myself in that has nothing to do with him. I hope so, really. Friday night was nice, and the sex was as close to nice as it's been for a while, but then in the morning we got into a fight about something. It's like the only time we make each other happy is when we're in bed and not fooling around.
That part used to be amazingly good, too. But now... I can't remember the last time he lasted more than 60 seconds. Been a while. I tried a lot of things, too. Not touching him during foreplay... holding still once we started.... making him do it again immediately after the first time.... waking him up so he was still half asleep... less than a minute. Every time. Sex has turned into a chore now, 'cause I know I'm not gonna get anything out of it, that it's not even going to last enough for it to be fun, never mind for me to .. finish. To do that, I have to be really really really close before we even start, and it's hard to feel really excited and aroused when you know the whole party's gonna be over in a minute.
Don't know what to do.... don't want to hurt anyone... don't want to keep going on like this.